Are you a real loser? Do the kids 3 grades below you beat you up and take your lunch money? Do you spend your days hanging out in a Laundromat hoping to make some friends? Do cars drive past and splash your pants with muddy water even when it’s not wet?
Life is full of losers like yourself. The good news is you can change all that in only 5 minutes! Do you have 5 minutes to spare? Of course you do. It’s not as if a loser such as yourself leads a busy social life.
Backed by years of research and refinement I have developed a 5 minute strategy that will have you winning everything you set out to. I’ve used this method to win everything from a Chup a Chup to the one legged race at last years Newtown Spring Chicken Festival where 36 people were taken to hospital for food poisoning. I ate the hot dogs as well but I am a winner so I didn’t get sick. You too could be winning anything from your next slot car race meet to Chup a Chups in as little as 5 minutes!
Tony ‘Chipped Tooth’ Titmus used to be a real loser before he met me. His nick name is a result of a beating he took by his sister after he bought her the Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue 50ml for her 16th birthday instead of the Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue 75ml. The ‘Chipped Tooth’ refers to the one tooth he has left… that’s chipped. Soon after that little encounter Mr Titmus, for his 22nd birthday, took up my special offer. Not fully a fortnight after absorbing my strategy, he beat his sister so bad he’s now a winner residing in Long Bay Jail. Sadly I could not get his testimony because they don’t allow him any visitors.
I have many other testimonies however. Ashley Rose from Middleton in Queensland writes:
“My friends made fun of me because of my girls name. After trying the 5 Minutes to Win Strategy I decided I wasn’t going to let them tease me any more. I had the sex change operation last Autumn and now they can’t tease me any more. I can’t say I’ve run into them though since the principal kicked me out from Middleton Boys High.”
If you want to be a winner like Mr Tony or Miss Rose simply send 3 payments of $19.95 to Loser Be Gone – PO Box 155 – Cardel NSW 2943. I would prefer one payment but my accountant says any monies received over $50 attract tax and the stinking government will want their share. His words. I’ll take your money however you want to send it. I don’t mind if you make 19 payments of $3.15. Just saying.
Once you complete the 5 Minutes to Win Strategy you will receive your very own certificate as can be seen here. Be a winner today!